3rd Anniversary

 

I have been getting through the complicated entaglement of emotions brought on my my pending divorce somewhat easily. I stay busy. I try to focus on the goals in front of me. I devote my attention to being the best mother I can be. I read the self-help books. I listen to motherhood and divorce podcasts. I keep my head down and work hard at my overnight job so I don't have to be present with my thoughts.

However, some days I can't shirk the feelings- 

the raw emotion that comes with ending a chapter in your life, the dissapointment, the embarassment, the loneliness...

I think that April 26th will always carry some of those emotions for me. 

On April 26, 2018, I eloped with my soon-to-be ex-husband on a rainy Thursday at a law office in downtown Memphis. We actually were married twice that day, as my father failed to hit record on the phone video camera the first time. It was one of my very favorite days. It wasn't the wedding we had later that was more about our families and the people attending. It was a day just for us.

Obviously, I had known that what would be our 3rd anniversary was coming, and I knew it would be a hard day for me. I considered ordering myself a gift, going out and buying myself flowers or a plant, or even treating myself to a special meal but none of that felt right. I didn't want to force celebration on what is now a day of mourning. I have been interested in the idea of "reclaiming" as a method of healing from divorce. It's essentially taking places, songs, events- any marker of your former relationship that once brought you joy and now induces sadness- and reclaiming those things for yourself post-divorce by creating new positive memories. I do have plans to do that with a couple of things in due time, but I don't feel that I have to re-write the entirety of my marriage just beacuse it's ending. 

I think it's healthy to sit, to remember, and to let myself be sad that its over- because that meant it was worth the experience.

(I did buy myself these flowers, but not on my anniversary.)