3rd Anniversary

 

I have been getting through the complicated entaglement of emotions brought on my my pending divorce somewhat easily. I stay busy. I try to focus on the goals in front of me. I devote my attention to being the best mother I can be. I read the self-help books. I listen to motherhood and divorce podcasts. I keep my head down and work hard at my overnight job so I don't have to be present with my thoughts.

However, some days I can't shirk the feelings- 

the raw emotion that comes with ending a chapter in your life, the dissapointment, the embarassment, the loneliness...

I think that April 26th will always carry some of those emotions for me. 

On April 26, 2018, I eloped with my soon-to-be ex-husband on a rainy Thursday at a law office in downtown Memphis. We actually were married twice that day, as my father failed to hit record on the phone video camera the first time. It was one of my very favorite days. It wasn't the wedding we had later that was more about our families and the people attending. It was a day just for us.

Obviously, I had known that what would be our 3rd anniversary was coming, and I knew it would be a hard day for me. I considered ordering myself a gift, going out and buying myself flowers or a plant, or even treating myself to a special meal but none of that felt right. I didn't want to force celebration on what is now a day of mourning. I have been interested in the idea of "reclaiming" as a method of healing from divorce. It's essentially taking places, songs, events- any marker of your former relationship that once brought you joy and now induces sadness- and reclaiming those things for yourself post-divorce by creating new positive memories. I do have plans to do that with a couple of things in due time, but I don't feel that I have to re-write the entirety of my marriage just beacuse it's ending. 

I think it's healthy to sit, to remember, and to let myself be sad that its over- because that meant it was worth the experience.

(I did buy myself these flowers, but not on my anniversary.) 

Christian Divorce?

In February of 2019 I started this draft of a post called "Christian Divorce?":

-----------------------------------------------------

The week that I wrote the last blog entry, I went on a date with a guy named Cameron from match.com.
Fast-forward to April 1st, 2018/April Fool’s/Easter Sunday, he put a ring on it.
Faster forward to April 26, 2018, we got hitched at a law office downtown.
Here I sit a less than a year later, and we are separated.

...what?

Right.

No one considers divorce when they’re getting married, and NO Christian thinks it can happen to them. “We both love Jesus.” “We both made a covenent commitment.” Well, those things are true, and I take them very seriously.

However, we live in a fallen world and are all susceptible to our own sin nature.. and ultimately divorce is just that- a sin. Throughout the past year, I have been so incredibly set on avoiding divorce, like it is the end-all, unforgivable sin. I spent many years looking down on Christian couples that fell to divorce. “If only they had just put effort into their marriage..” I can now say that I get it. You can try as hard as you possibly can, but if both partners aren’t functioning as a team, you can’t try hard enough for the both of you. After a few weeks of crying out to God, I firmly know that it is  not unreaachable by His grace.

That being said, I haven’t given up the fight for my marriage. I love my husband, despite us failing each other many times. I believe that God works miracles and I will try to pursue His will in this separation and moving forward, whether that’s together or separately.

-----------------------------------------------------

After that post, we reconciled again. We had already been separated before and would be a total of 7 times before this most recent stint beginning in December of last year. 

At the end of February, I finally petitioned for divorce. I never would have thought that I would be the one to do it. It feels so unreal. I don't feel the need to tell all of the sorted details. There are absolutely biblical grounds for me doing so, but that honestly doesn't make me feel any better or less convicted.

Out of the marriage, we share a beautiful baby boy named Luke, whom is our focus as we try to navigate co-parenting and keeping a cordial relationship for his sake. I have worked on this post  on 4 different occasions over multiple years, and I still don't have a succinct way to wrap it up other than to say this-

God is already redeeming my story and showing Himself to be faithful and true. I'll post about that soon. 

Welcome Autumn!

Autumn is my favorite season. It always has been. I love the warm colors, the cooling temperatures, and the beginning of the holiday season.

The changing of seasons prompts me to recognize the growth in my life over the course of the past season and prayerfully consider areas of opportunity for the coming season. These times of reflection are always uncomfortable for me, particularly when I feel a little stagnant as I do currently. The past few days have been emotionally taxing, but I am so thankful that God pushes me to places of discomfort in order to grow me for His purpose. 

I find comfort in this passage from Job today-

21-25 “Give in to God, come to terms with him
    and everything will turn out just fine.
Let him tell you what to do;
    take his words to heart.
Come back to God Almighty
    and he’ll rebuild your life.
Clean house of everything evil.
    Relax your grip on your money
    and abandon your gold-plated luxury.
God Almighty will be your treasure,
    more wealth than you can imagine.

(Job 22:21-25 from The Message)