I am back in Memphis now, sitting in a Starbucks, having given up on viewing the big Solar Eclipse that was blocked by the clouds from my perspecitive. I've been back for 4 months, post the breaking of my engagement. This summer has been a blur. I have been busying myself with travel, work, church, and reuniting with friends to mask the discomfort of crawling back home. I've been quietly sulking behind the mask of my busy-ness and finally hit a wall of emotion about 23 hours ago.
My natural inclination is to press into faith during the highest or lowest times. So naturally, when Brian broke off the engagement 4 months ago, I went to church. I wasn't ready to talk to God about it though. You see, early into my relationship with Brian, he broke up with me (for about 2 days) because he knew that faith was an important aspect of my life and that he did not share that. I told my aunt when It happened that I was hurting but I felt like God was protecting me from something that I wouldn't be able to protect myself from... and then I went back to him. Turns out, 14 months and a failed engagement later, that I was right. God was indeed trying to protect me from the greater pain of abandonment I felt upon being dumped again and returning to Memphis. I have felt ashamed. God didn't give me the strength to get back on my feet, so that I could run back to the same situation that knocked me down the first time. I deserved to hurt.
Last night at the Stirring, Freddie was speaking about Loving Your Enemy and how loving your enemy keeps you from adapting the negative behaviors we see in their lives. When we tear others down or speak ill-ly of them, that hate is being imbedded into our hearts. Hurt people hurt people. I haven't been myself lately. I've been full of resentment and bittterness and self-pity. I mask it with sarcasm and jokes at others expense.. I feel like my heart has been hardened again and i've been unreceptive to the kindness of people around me. So last night in the middle of service I broke down in tears and talked to God about how I was ashamed and sorry and thankful for His grace that covers all sin- even the flagrant in-His-face sin that I know has to hurt Him. I praised God for his goodness and provision even when I feel like I am unlovable. I prayed that God would soften me and use my pain for His purpose. I prayed that he would align my life back on the track of His will and purpose.
And thus marks the beginning of the next season.
